Acts of kindness and disappointment sometimes arrive together, and it is worth talking about. Sometimes we offer a genuine act of kindness that does not turn out as we had hoped. Not all things go our way -- that is a fact of life -- and sometimes other people's lives do not go their way either. I tried to offer genuine kindness to someone when his life was not going as he had hoped, and in the end, my acts of kindness were not recognized. And that is okay. Because as the giver of the gesture, I still benefited from it. I still felt good about my actions. If your giving is not received as you intended, know that you tried your best. And then let it go.
Acts of Kindness and Disappointment: When Even Your Best Efforts Fall Short
The person I am talking about is a man in his early sixties. He at one time had a life of prosperity, love, and good fortune. From the outside, it looked like he had it made. He was the proud father of three, owned a beautiful home, and was financially successful. After a series of setbacks, however, he lost everything -- his family, home, and wealth. It was a loss beyond his wildest imagination, much of which came from his own doing.
After years of watching him struggle, I chose to offer him generous acts of kindness. I put myself aside and worked from a place in my heart that was pure and genuine. Being the untrusting sort, he was skeptical and suspicious of my gestures. Instead of feeling appreciated, he questioned my motives. He wanted to know why I would offer him kindness rather than resentment. This is kin altruism at its most complicated.
Kin Altruism and Acts of Kindness Gone Wrong
Whether related by blood, marriage, or commitment, family can be tough. We do not choose our family, and that is part of the reason it can be hard. We can choose our friends and relate to them because they are chosen with our heart. Often a friendship vibrates at a certain level that works for both people. Family is different.
Kin altruism is about helping a family member during times of hardship. We see someone who is hurting or could use a real pick-me-up. We leave lunch at the door with a little note. We offer to help with the laundry. We take them to renew a driver's license when it has lapsed. These are not small gestures. These are acts of kindness from deep inside the soul -- genuine, above-and-beyond efforts to offer something to another human being. Human kindness of the greatest depth and the most sincere intention.
Are Acts of Kindness Always Worthwhile?
Sometimes, despite our greatest efforts and kindest words, they fall on deaf ears. A person is not ready or able to accept kind actions. Our gestures are scrutinized, questioned, or dismissed. The receiver receives nothing from what was offered, and the giver is left to wonder why. It does happen. And when it does, how do we come to terms with the fact that we tried and it was not enough? We still benefit -- the dopamine and oxytocin rush from being helpful is real. But is that enough after everything?
Non-Attachment to the Outcome
I could be doubtful. I could be hurt. I could play the victim, which is not what offering true acts of loving kindness is about. Offering kindness is about non-attachment to the outcome and letting go. Does it hurt when your kindness is questioned instead of received? Of course it does. When someone looks for hidden motives behind a genuine gesture, it is disorienting. A simple answer of "because it is the right thing to do" is not understood. In this situation, non-attachment is the test. Giving from the heart, offering acts of kindness, and showing compassion for another human being is humanity at its finest. Sometimes it just does not work. And that is okay.
The reason I am writing this is to say that sometimes we offer from our hearts and the other person fails to accept it. A kind smile or a small gesture can be easy -- it causes the ripple effect and continues to give. It can take someone's bad day and turn it right side up. That is what small, consistent acts of kindness are all about.
A Good Deed Is Never Wasted
What about the times when greater acts of kindness -- those with the potential to change someone's circumstances or at least their perspective -- go unnoticed or even unwanted? Should we feel victimized, hurt, or angry? Those feelings are real and valid. But after having done heartfelt good deeds for another person, I still believe it makes us better human beings to have done them. In the long run, after the helper's high has worn off, I still feel that when we offer genuine kindness, we did the right thing.
A good deed of kindness is never wasted. Kindness is never the wrong choice. Giving from the depths of the soul or from a light heart are both good choices, and if not recognized, should not cause us to question ourselves. "Be the change you wish to see in the world" is strewn across t-shirts and coffee mugs -- and although sometimes trite, it is true. The Hopi Elder poem says, "We are the ones we have been waiting for." Go out, do good deeds, offer acts of kindness, and let go of the attachment to the outcome.
Kindness Starts Closest to Home
The people who benefit most from our acts of kindness are often the ones right in front of us. Date Deck® is built on that idea -- 52 prompt cards designed to help couples show up for each other with intention and consistency, one small gesture at a time. Sometimes the most meaningful acts of kindness are the ones we offer to the person we come home to every day.
And if decision fatigue is making it hard to find the energy to give to others, our guide to reducing decision fatigue is a good place to start.
