Living in a small college dorm room can often lead to conflicts with a roommate.
This is especially true if a roommate is messy, has guests stay late into the night, or helps him or herself to things of yours without asking.
Learning conflict resolution and how to live with someone are important life skills. They help you to prepare for conflict in the real world. While conflict is uncomfortable, it is inevitable whether it occurs with a roommate, during a group project, in a student organization or when participating in team sports.
Here are eight tips from experts on how to resolve an issue with a roommate.
Try to aim for a roommate with similar habits or living style.
Many freshmen are assigned a roommate based on their responses to a residence life questionnaire that asks about sleeping habits, cleanliness and interests. Admissions counselors strongly suggest that you be honest when filling out the form. For example, if you're not a super clean person, don't say that you are, even if you really want to be.
Some first-year students prefer or feel pressure to find a roommate on their own through social media or a mutual friend. But, in reality, do not assume that how that person presents themselves on social media is who they actually are. It's best to meet in person to learn about their habits and interests. If you live in close proximity, try to get together a few times to get to know each other. Otherwise, you can connect at orientation.
For upperclassmen, it's tempting to live with friends. But be sure that your living expectations align beforehand. You want to aim for someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to bring up any potential problems.
Further, sometimes your best friends don't make the best roommates. And sometimes a really good roommate is a great person to live with, but maybe you're not best friends outside of your living situation. And that's okay too.
Outline expectations right from the start.
Most importantly, before the semester starts, go over living expectations with your roommate. Be sure to discuss things like chores, overnight guests, cleanliness, quiet hours and sharing items. You might even want to create a written agreement so that expectations are clear. And have regular meetings throughout the year to discuss any problems that are coming up or ways to improve your living situation. In fact, the best way to avoid any sort of conflict is to address it before it even occurs.
Communicate your frustrations.
In order to find a solution to a problem, both roommates must be aware that there is an issue. Don't just make plans to move out, for example, without bringing it up to your roommate first. There may be ways to work things out without having to uproot yourself and/or your roommate. Communicate issues right away and let your roommate know what's bothering you rather than letting it fester. If feelings of frustration are left unaddressed, they can build up over time and escalate the conflict. When you're living in close quarters, it can be hard and tensions can be high. There's a lot of emotions that happen in college, but you can always work things out with good communication.
Find your own space.
Dorms are small. A good solution is to try to find a spot on campus like the library, coffee shop or study rooms to visit on a regular basis for a space break. You can use that space to have alone time and study, watch a show or eat a meal. So many dorms are overcrowded, which causes personal space to take a hit.
Keep your thoughts to yourself.
Try to avoid complaining to other people, other than a residence life staff member, about your roommate problems. This is especially true of first-year students. There are only so many degrees of separation between you and the next person. If you're speaking with friends, colleagues and peers, you never know how that game of telephone will end up. Word might get back to your roommate that there's a problem and you'd hate for that to happen. It's best to speak to your roommate directly. It's also important to stay away from parental intervention, as parents likely hold partial views about the situation.
Ask your RA for help with conflict resolution.
Talking to a roommate about a problem can be intimidating, so use your resident assistant as a mediation resource. RAs are student staff members who live in college residence halls and act as peer mentors. You can conduct mock conversations with your RA to practice what to say to your roommate. RAs are trained to serve as unbiased mediators, so they can also help with the actual conversation if requested.
Reach out to additional support staff.
Sometimes a problem is more serious. For example, you may worry about a roommate's mental health or a physically dangerous situation. Students should talk with their RA to learn about other support options. Another idea is to reach out to other professional residence life staff members or on campus counselors. College can be stressful enough. Know that there are resources and support available.
If all else fails, request a room change.
If it's not possible to resolve the situation, students can request to move. Policies vary per college or university, but residence life staff typically investigate the conflict to determine whether a change is appropriate. Staff members then help students look for openings in other housing communities or assign them to a new space.
Changing rooms typically depends on if space is even available to move. But in order to be able to move, you do have to go through the mediation process. College campuses, especially a small campus, may be able to move someone in certain situations, but you will run into that person again. As a result, it may be best to resolve the situation rather than change dorms.
Dorm Deck and Hack Decks™
Dorm Decks are a great card deck of 52 cards that help freshman students get adjusted to college life and dorm room living. The deck is packed full of ideas to help students orient themselves to a new environment, make friends, and find important campus resources. The deck is a great gift to give to a student leaving for his or her first year, or as a high school graduation gift. The best thing about the deck is that it gives new students many options for finding their way in a new city when they feel a little unsteady on their feet. "Play tourist with a friend" is a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon with a new friend or roommate. The deck sells for $19.95 and is full of innovative ideas.